“The Night is my Companion, the Solitude my Guide”

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summer afternoons in a red dress ...

 But your solitude will be a support and a home for you, even in the midst of very unfamiliar circumstances, and from it you will find all your paths

–Rainer Maria Rilke

Hello.  My name is Alison, and I’m an introvert. 

This doesn’t mean I’m a sociopath Unibomber living in cabin in the woods and plotting an end to all humanity.  It doesn’t mean I’m misanthropic, unfriendly, a party-pooper, snobby, socially awkward (well, that’s debatable!), a loner or a hermit.

What it does mean is that I’m part of less than one-third of the world’s population and as such, am very misunderstood.  Not to sound emo or dramatic, but there’s a reason why introverts are misunderstood for not being able to think on their feet and not wanting to be around people all the time.  It’s because we’re outnumbered by extroverts and extroverted values–fierce independence, boundless energy, smooth people skills and being the life of the party–are praised in North American culture.

I just stumbled upon this non-fiction self-help book by Marti Laney called The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World and suddenly, so much of my nature made sense.  The fact that I get overwhelmed easily when in large groups and prefer the company of a few close friends, the fact that sometimes I say something that goes unheard, and the fact that I get very crabby and prone to headaches if I don’t get time to myself is not because I’m weird or unusual or hate people.  It’s because I’m an introvert.  I’m a highly functional introvert, and I can be outgoing when I need to be or am around the right people, but I’m an introvert nonetheless.

The difference between introverts and extroverts is where one draws their energy.  When introverts have too many social engagements and are constantly busy, they get tired and depleted.  When they have time alone to themselves, they feel replenished, recharged, and ready to take on the world.  It’s the opposite for extroverts.  They thrive on social interaction and busyness and feel tired and dull when they’re left to themselves.

One helpful website to look at is one that Marti Laney developed: www.theintrovertadvantage.com  On it, she describes the difference between the two temperaments.  While every description may not necessarily describe you (for example, I don’t have a phone phobia), most people are generally one temperament or the other, although most people feel the pressure and social expectation to be extroverted. 

Introverts:

• enjoy time alone
• consider only deep relationships as friends
• feel drained after outside activities, even if they are fun
• good listeners
• appear calm and self-contained
• think, then speak or act

Extroverts, on the other hand:

• like to be in the thick of things
• relish variety
• know lots of people, consider lots of people friends
• enjoy chit-chatting, even to strangers
• feel stoked after activity
• speak or act before thinking OR think while speaking

She even has a self-assessment quiz you can take at http://www.theintrovertadvantage.com/SelfAssessment.pdf

It’s been very helpful for me to realize that I am how I am because I’m an introvert, not because there’s something inherently wrong with me.  When I was a baby, I could play contentedly for hours by myself and didn’t have to be constantly entertained or around everyone else.  I was, and still am, a very right-brained introvert raised by an extrovert and a left-brained introvert and was prone to daydreaming and being lost ”in my own little world.”  I excelled in reading, writing and the arts and struggled with math and science so much that in earlier years, some grade school teachers thought I was dumb.  I’m a slow learner when it came to some things (telling time, riding a bike, tying my shoes, times tables, driving), and have achieved a lot in other things (creative writing, getting first class standing in university, understanding abstract concepts, etc.)  I had a hard time understanding myself when I lived at the School of Ministry and when I was in Saskatoon in January with feeling “different” and “abnormal” because I’d crave time to myself and I’d never get it.  I’d then be tired, cranky, unable to go out all the time and party every night (in the case of Saskatoon) because I wouldn’t have any energy left and I felt fragmented, yet at the same time I felt like I should be energetic and ready to party at any time.  The time I have to myself once and awhile is special and it keeps me sane.  It’s my time of gathering thoughts, introspection, self-reflection and feeling human again.  It doesn’t mean I hate people.  It just means I’m physiologically wired a different way. 

I would be very interested in learning how other people see themselves and if other introverts have ever felt weird for not being more extroverted.  I would also recommend reading The Introvert Advantage to introverts and extroverts alike.  If more people understood that temperaments are natural and can’t be helped, we’d be able to value the attributes that both temperaments bring.

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Tags: extrovert, introvert, Marti Laney, Rainer Maria Rilke, temperament, the introvert advantage