One is the Loveliest Number

i sing myself and i celebrate myself

Alone.

Why is it that so many people panic and recoil at the prospect of a day, a week, a lifetime alone? Are they afraid that, once alone with their thoughts and removed from constant communication, they’ll start rocking back and forth in the fetal position, babbling incoherently? Why does the thought of sitting in a coffee shop at a table for one, going solo to the movie theatre, or staying in on a Friday night with only a bottle of wine and a handful of classic movies sound like hell to so many people?

To me it sounds like heaven.

But that’s me, and I’ve come a long way in fully understanding, accepting, and celebrating my introverted, sensitive nature and my need for frequent solitude. It wasn’t always that way. Up until I came across some life-changing books — namely, The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, and recently The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron — I thought I was a freak.

When I lived at the School of Ministry in Etobicoke with 5 other girls in one small room and Alone Time pretty much didn’t exist, I’d wonder why I’d get cranky and snappish sometimes and why, unlike everyone else, I’d so often feel exhausted and drained and need frequent cat naps. There was nothing wrong with me — I’m just an introvert, a trait which is both more common and yet more rare than you’d think. If I’d have known this at that time, I probably would’ve felt calmer and happier and less like an antisocial grumpster, a feeling which only alienates one further.

There are times when, if there’s too much going on and too much excitement, I’ll find myself slowly withdrawing and filled with an overwhelming desire to be alone. If my work day has been particularly overstimulating and hectic, I’ll find a spot to sit alone on my break and just stare blankly at nothing, trying to gather my thoughts. It’s not that I’m space cadet, darnit, it’s just that I’m very sensitive and have a stronger reaction to noise and commotion than most. I crave stillness and serenity in the midst of the storm, and I can find that peace by being alone.

So that said — the fact that I’m an introvert and a sensitive person who needs time alone to recharge my batteries in order to go forth into the world — means that I know the importance of solitude, if only because it’s my natural inclination. But I think everyone, introverts and extroverts alike, needs to create a space for quietude and reflection away from a mad frenzy of e-mails and appointments and text messages and chirping Blackberries. Sometimes I can think of nothing I’d like more than to stay in a remote cottage in the woods by a lake all by myself for a little while, just to ponder and pray and write and stuff without all the distractions. Of course, I’d have to have some choice records and perhaps an animal companion of some sort, but a retreat like that would be extremely beneficial to my health in every respect.

But like I said, people these days — especially extroverts — need to learn that being alone doesn’t make you go crazy or talk to your pets like they’re people (okay, that actually happens. Moving on …) Since I value my alone time so much, it came as a shock to me to discover others didn’t and seldom allowed themselves to be without another’s company. In my last year of university, I was talking to a couple of friends and mentioned that I had gone to the Tim Horton’s across campus for a bowl of chili and to do some reading and writing by myself. They were both absolutely flabbergasted that I had the “confidence” to eat lunch in a public place by myself to which I replied, “What? Doesn’t everyone do this?” The one girl said she was afraid she’d look lonely or pathetic eating by herself, which is why, if she didn’t have anyone to eat with, she’d take her food to her car in the parking lot and eat there!

Let me assure you … when you’re alone and truly enjoying your own company, no one’s going to think you’re lonely or a loser or antisocial or pathetic (unless that’s how you’re feeling, in which case you’ll probably project it). Instead, you’ll just seem interesting and secure enough in yourself to be alone … at least, you will to introverts who understand the need to break away from socializing every once in a while. An extrovert might approach you and say, “Awwww … you’re all alone. Where’s all your friends? You poor thing!,” not understanding that what you’re doing is vital to your existence.

Maybe that’s just our introvert advantage …

In Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, the author stresses the importance of a woman finding herself in herself, which is done best when separated from one’s partner, children, work, responsibilities and other obligations with which women use to define themselves.

Here are some of my favourite quotes:

Certainly, one has the illusion that one will find oneself in being loved for what one really is, not for a collection of functions. But can one actually find oneself in someone else? In someone else’s love?  Or even in the mirror someone holds up for one? I believe that true identity is found, as Eckhart once said, by “going into one’s own ground and knowing oneself.” It is found in creative activity springing from within. It is found, paradoxically, when one loses oneself.

[...]

Woman must come of age by herself. This is the essence of “coming of age” — to learn how to stand alone. She must learn not to depend on another, nor must she prove her strength by competing with another.

Only when one is connected to one’s own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be found through solitude [...] Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone.

no hero in her sky

And here’s another thing. Why are so many people — especially women — so afraid of being single? Why would they rather be in an unhealthy relationship or settle for a succession of wrong guys, simply because the thought of being alone scares the hell out of them? Let me tell you — while in a secure relationship, the prospect of being single and having to endure the dating scene can seem frightening, but once you’re there, it’s not that bad. In fact, it can be the best thing to happen to you.

It can be absolutely lovely, and the more time you spend getting to know yourself, demons and all, the more you’ll come to appreciate and celebrate one of the most important relationships you’ll ever be in … the one with yourself.

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